When you are on a journey of working on yourself, I think it’s important to look at the things in your life that are not serving you. These things could be people, habits, and/or thinking patterns, etc. Sometimes you may not realize how it’s hindering your growth, but ultimately after a while you begin to see how it’s affecting you.
In my personal life, I had to give up certain things that were no longer serving me in my personal growth journey. In this blog post, I share 3 things I had to let go of. The process of giving up these things was not easy at all but what I’ve learned and who I am becoming as a result of it made those decisions worth it!
- Toxic Family Members, Friendships, and Work Environments
Toxic friendships, family members, and work environments? That’s a whole lot of toxic right? Well, I’ve been in tough situations. But, these situations taught me a lot! And, I am here to share it with you!
Let’s start off first with my toxic family members. I have family members such as siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins that I don’t even know how to describe. Well, obviously, I can certainly say they were toxic. But, what made them toxic?
Without going into a lot of details, when I was a child and teenager, I was targeted and judged a lot by my family members. I was put down and one of my siblings thought I wasn’t going to be successful. At one point, I was blamed for the suffering in my family. I was mentally and physically abused by one of my siblings. I also felt like one of my siblings acted superior or like they were better than me. This sibling also pointed out my flaws. My brothers had a drinking problem that deeply affected their lives and our family dynamics. Their drinking problems caused more problems in the house.
I seriously think I can write a whole book about my life. There so much I won’t share here but having toxic family members hurt me badly. While I do love my family no matter what, I do not speak to any of my siblings. It truly hurts at times to know I have no relationship with my siblings but for my wellbeing I could no longer carry a relationship with them nor pretend like nothing ever happened between all of us.
I’ve gone to therapy to process what I’ve experienced with my family. Therapy has helped to not only heal but to understand more why I went through what I went through. I had a therapist and loved ones who told me I had to leave my home environment because it was toxic. I once heard that you cannot heal in the same environment that is hurting you. I always wanted to leave but never had the funds to. But, thankfully, at the age of 28, I left. It’s about 3 years since I’ve been living in my own place and I am at peace. I feel tranquility in my own home. I used to carry a lot of anger and resentment toward my family but I have to say that today I feel better. Can I say that I absolutely do not feel anger or resentment toward them? Not necessarily. But that part of my emotions have cooled down. I think those feelings of anger and resentment still exist within me but do not feel as intense as once before.
Now, let’s talk about toxic friends…
I’ve only had one toxic friend. This friend and I were friends since elementary school but we lost touch and re-connected again in our 20s. When we spoke again, it was almost like we never lost touch. We got along so well. We spoke to each other a lot. We partied together and had so much fun. But, then I started to realize that our conversations were one way. She would speak to me about what she was going through and when it was my turn to speak she would hang up. At one point, I also started to realize she was copying me. It’s so weird to even say “copying me” because it feels a bit childish. But, that is what happened. She dyed her hair just like I did. She started taking dance classes like I was during that time. And she even changed her instagram bio to something very similar to mine. When I spoke to her about what I was observing, she automatically responded saying, “no one is jealous of you.” In my mind, I know that I did not use the word jealous when I shared what I was observing. On top of all of this, she complained so much about a relationship she was in but never did anything to change her situation.
After overthinking and researching online what I was going through, I learned that I was in a toxic friendship. Researching? Yes! I was googling what I was experiencing because I thought something was wrong with me or that I was being too sensitive. It turns out I indeed had a toxic friend. She was draining my energy. I can’t really remember how we parted ways but I knew I had to let her go.
Now onto toxic work environments. . .
The first two years in my school counseling career, I ended up working in a school where I thought was the right fit for me. I aligned so much with their mission and values. As a new counselor, I was eager and excited to work. But after some time, I started to realize I was being micromanaged by people who weren’t even my supervisor. I was being spoken to in condescending ways by co-workers and by school leaders. The team I was a part of lacked communication and was very cliquey. I wish I could go on about the details of what I experience but that would make this post longer than what it is. But, let’s just say that a lot of things added up and my mental health was being affected so much to the point I would overthink and cry. I felt miserable. My therapist at the time made me realize I was in a toxic work environment and that I had to get out.
During my 2nd year, I was fed up. I decided that I was not going to be returning next academic year. I had no plan b (no job lined up).
2. Alcohol
I started heavily drinking when I was about 19 years old all the way up to 29. I used to love drinking and I would become defensive if anyone had anything to say about my drinking. I had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. I loved the way it made me feel. I hated it because it made me feel ashamed and guilty. No one would have guessed that I struggled with drinking because I managed to accomplish so many things. But, I knew deep down within me alcohol was hindering my personal growth. I knew that I could not become the woman of my dreams if I kept drinking.
So when I was 28, I decided that I was going to give up alcohol on my 29th birthday for one year. I called this chapter of my life, “my journey before 30,” because on my 30th birthday I wanted to make it to 1 year sober. That is exactly what happened! I went a whole year without drinking.
3. Seeking Too Much Validation & Reassurance
I became aware of how I was seeking too much validation and reassurance back in 2020. When I was navigating my job search process, I found myself asking people for advice and guidance on which direction to take. I noticed this and told myself that I needed to learn how to lean into my own wisdom, intuition, and God/The Universe for guidance.
I also began to seek validation when I started to blog and share my sobriety journey online back in 2020. I focused on the metrics of social media. I found myself looking for likes, comments, and followers. If I did not get what I expected on social media, I would become upset. On the other hand, I would become excited and feel special if a well known influencer followed me. Social media also increased and intensified my anxiety because of this experience. I judged myself for even caring about social media.
Through these experiences, I had to be real with myself. I had to fix my mindset and work on validating/reassuring myself first. It was hard work. So when I began my job search process in 2021, I began to process my own interviews on my own first before I reached out for guidance from my mentors or friends. With social media, I took breaks from it so that I can reflect and do the inner work. Today, I try my best to stay grounded in the truth that I create and share because I want to express myself (this is my way of validating myself). I remind myself that I am creating and sharing because I want to not for the likes and comments. Yes, it would be nice to have more engagement but I have to remember that this is for me and if it helps someone that is the only thing that matters. I also remind myself that the metrics of social media will never really tell you if your post made a difference in a person’s life. If I catch myself focusing on the metrics of social media (which happens sometimes), I am more compassionate and accepting of my feelings. When I need to step away, I do. I’ve learned to honor the boundaries I need to set with myself and social media. It’s never perfect but I am grateful that I am in a better place because I started to give up seeking validation from others and social media.
How Giving Up These Things Have Helped Me
Looking back, I can say that deciding to no longer engage with my family members who were toxic was a decision that helped to reflect and heal. I do feel like I am a stronger person because I decided to walk away and work on myself. I can certainly say that because I live in a physically and emotionally safe place (my home), I am more at ease and for that I am truly grateful.
While it was really hard to walk away from my friend (which by the way friendship break ups do hurt), I had to let her go for my own good. This experience taught me the importance of truly loving yourself so that you can walk away from people that are no longer good for you.
Leaving that toxic job has been one of the best decisions I made in my life. I was able to heal the damage that was done and I was able to re-discover who Anina was. It was a liberating experience.
Being in a toxic friendship and work environment taught me to trust myself when I feel that something is off.
Giving up alcohol has allowed me to step into the woman I am becoming today (the woman I always dreamed of). During my first year of sobriety, I experienced so much growth. I learned a lot about myself. I reflected deeply. I read more. I danced more. I sat with my feelings and thoughts more. I dreamed more. It was a re-birth process for me. Alcohol was one of those things that just wasn’t serving me anymore so it had to go.
Learning how to stop seeking validation and reassurance from others and social media has taught me how to really look within and validate/reassure myself first. It has taught me how to embrace and own my wants, needs, feelings, and desires.
What are some things you need to give up that’s hindering your growth and why? What would your life look like if you gave these things up? How would you feel? Are there things that you already gave up? If so, how has it helped you? What difference have you noticed within yourself and/or your life? Feel free to comment below or on social media! I’d love to hear from you!
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