Something I often hear people struggle with, particularly women, is putting themselves first. Honestly, it bothers me a bit when I hear someone not make decisions they want to make for themselves because they are thinking about other people’s thoughts. When this happens, I want to say “F*ck what they think and do you!” I feel this way because I believe we should do what is best for ourselves and put ourselves first. Because of this, I thought I would write a blog post on how to put yourself first if this is something you struggle with. But first, let me share some examples from my life where I had to put myself first.
My Journey With Putting Myself First
Quitting Toxic Jobs
In the past, I’ve worked in two toxic work environments. Within these jobs, I’ve come across a number of red flags that signaled I was in an unhealthy environment.
In my first toxic job, the decision to leave was not an easy one. I think in some ways I formed an attachment with this role I had. I also think I found myself grieving the fact that I was leaving this job. And even after deciding to leave I questioned if I had made the right decision. But, I knew I had to leave because I was truly unhappy and frustrated.
In the second toxic job I had, I quit after 3 months of being hired. This was for the most part a straightforward decision to make. I left quickly because I was experiencing so much anxiety. I left to protect my mental health.
Putting myself first meant it is not worth staying in a toxic work environment if it’s affecting my mental health.
Not Talking To Family Members & Walking Away From Unhealthy Friendships
I was born and raised in a toxic household. As a child, I was abused and lived with 2 brothers who were and still are addicted to alcohol. Without going into so much detail, I am sure you can imagine what it could be like for a child and teenager who was abused and living with others who drank a lot. There were a lot of problems and arguments. In addition, I stopped talking to another sibling, family members, and friends of the family because of comments that made me feel uncomfortable, hurt, or disrespected.
I often hear how hard it is for others to stop talking to their family members even if the relationship is toxic because it is often seen as disrespectful to cut off family members. It is especially hard when there is this belief that since “family is family,” one should stay by their side no matter what. I personally disagree with all of this. If a family member has hurt you in a way that causes you to want to walk away from them, I believe you have every right to do what is best for you.
As it relates to friends, I’ve had a friendship that became one sided and I could not continue talking to this person so I decided to walk away.
Friendship break ups and cutting off family members are not easy to experience but because I live by putting myself first, I always need to protect my sanity and dignity.
Honoring My Wants, Needs, Desires
One of the things I try to do in my life is honoring my wants, needs, desires, and whatever my inner voice is asking for. This can look like taking breaks from social media, asking for space from my loved ones, and/or pursuing my desires, dreams/goals. I put myself first by trying to honor what I want, need, or desire.
Okay, so now that I’ve shared some times in my life when I have put myself first, how can you put yourself first?
Put Yourself First By Getting Clear On What You Want
I think the first step is becoming clear on what you want or need. Once you get clear on this, allow those wants, needs, or desires to be present without the noise of what others may think. If there is self-judgment because of what you want, begin to let that go. Acknowledge your wants, needs, or desires and own it. Stop repressing them.
Getting clear on what you want can look differently for everyone. But some ways to get clear on what you want is by journaling, going for walks in nature, or talking to someone you trust such as a friend, loved one, life coach or therapist.
Allow yourself to dream of what you want or envision for yourself. If the outside noise did not exist, what can you imagine for yourself? Can you allow yourself to sit in that?
Think About The Benefits of Putting Yourself First
Let’s say we had a magic wand to make the obstacles of what is getting in your way of putting yourself first disappear, what would be the benefits of putting yourself first? What would you experience? How would your life look or feel like? Is there anything you would you learn? What would you discover? What opportunities may come your way?
If you are having a hard time putting yourself first because of what others may think of you or any other reason, start to think about what it’s costing you. Is it costing you your mental health, self-worth, your happiness, peace, or any other feeling you desire to experience? What are you losing out on by not putting yourself first?
There will always be pros and cons to any decision you make. There is no right or wrong. So yes, your decision to put yourself first may cause other people to think something about you or maybe not. But do the pros of you putting yourself first outweigh the cons?
Let Go Of The Idea That Putting Yourself First Is Selfish
Putting yourself first is not selfish, it’s called self-love.
Anina Alvarez
Where did we get this idea that putting yourself first is selfish? Seriously, I want to know! Because it’s so bizarre that so many carry this belief. Yes, I understand this may stem from societal and cultural expectations.
But it’s time to let go of the idea that putting yourself first is selfish. Putting yourself first is an act of self-love.
Now, I want to be clear that I am aware that sometimes the decisions we want to make may affect others such as our family members, partners, or loved ones. In this case, I think it would be smart to have a conversation with those who may be affected to see how it can be worked out. And even then, I truly believe those who want you to follow your heart because they love and care for you will try their best to support you and find a way to make it work.
With all of that being said, remember that putting yourself first is not called being selfish but a way of loving yourself.
Put Yourself First By Asking For What You Want
Asking for what I want and need is something new I’ve been doing the past few years (not perfect). For example, there have been times when I needed space from my loved ones. I’ve come to recognize that having alone time is important for me. Since this is something I need, I have learned to ask for space as a way of putting myself first. The people I ask for space from are those who love me and so they support what I ask for.
For you, what you may want and need from others may look different. But, I think asking for what you want and need is a way of putting yourself first. These conversations are not easy to have but again people who genuinely love you will find a way to support you.
Understand This Is Your Life You Are Living
If you are the one living your life, don’t you deserve to experience the things you want to experience? Our lives are an experience that we go through and so I think it’s important to remember that we should put ourselves first by giving ourselves the things we want and need.
If worrying about what other people think about your choices is getting in the way, consider the following questions:
Are you going to really allow other people’s thoughts to determine what you want to pursue in your heart? Are they living your life or are you? Think about it.
This is your one and only life so allow yourself to live the life you want.
Final Thoughts On Putting Yourself First
I know all of this is easier said than done. But, I hope that you are able to understand that since you are the one living your life, you deserve to live your life the way you want. This will require you to think of yourself and your needs and deepest desires. I believe everyone should follow their hearts and pursue the life they envision for themselves. And, if that requires you to make decisions to put yourself first then put yourself first. Remember this is YOUR life. Live it how you want.
If you need some support with putting yourself first, I invite you to book a call to see how life coaching with me can help! Schedule a call with me here.
Thank you for reading! <3
If you struggle with putting yourself first, what are some obstacles getting in the way? What is one step you can take towards putting yourself first?
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