I just want to preface this blog post by letting you know that this post is me simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. I am unsure if it will add any value to you but maybe through reading my experience you can relate somehow and who knows…maybe it can help. Either way, thank you for choosing to be here.
Since the summer of 2021, I’ve been on a journey of questioning my purpose. I’ve always had a feeling that I was meant for something more in my life but never really took the time to explore what that something was. In my 20s, I was focused on my education, dancing, and simply having fun. But, now that I am 30 and have accomplished so much, I wonder what is next for me. The simple questioning of my purpose has led me to pray and journal more and use spiritual tools such as tarot & oracle cards to gain some clarity. I even signed up for coaching courses and webinars. Currently, I am reading a book called, “Discover Your Dharma,” by Sahara Rose (dharma means purpose). While I was able to gain some insight on how to discover my purpose, I’ve been left feeling so uncertain and doubtful to the point that I find myself overthinking and crying. Yes, it has gotten to that point. How can a journey of discovering your purpose be so overwhelming? Well, for me there are SO many reasons why this journey has caused so much stress and anxiety. If I were to explain those reasons, this blog post could turn into a mini book and I will not be doing that today! LOL! Instead, I am going to explain why I’ve been struggling with embracing the journey.
Overthinking
If you have read through my blog you will know that I am an overthinker. While I do think there can be some pros to overthinking, ultimately too much of it is not good for our mental health. I can literally question every idea, thought, and desire I have as it relates to what my purpose is or what is the next move I should make. If you read the about me section, you will know that I’ve been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I think part of the reason why I’ve been overthinking my purpose, questioning it, and all of this causing me distress is because of OCD. With OCD, you could never be certain and constantly be filled with doubt. I’ve been experiencing so much uncertainty and doubt about my path and future.
Not Allowing Myself To Simply Be Curious & Have Fun
Starting this blog was something that I kept overthinking. I wanted to be sure that blogging was something I truly wanted to do again. I kept going back and forth debating whether or not I should do it. It took me a couple of months before I decided to purchase this domain. I have so many ideas of things I would like to try or bring to life. Instead of simply being curious, exploring, and having fun with the ideas I have, I overthink it all before taking action.
Constantly Thinking Of What Is Next
All I can find myself doing is thinking about what is next. What is my next goal? What is my next accomplishment? What is the next level I need and want to reach? What is another potential career I would like to explore? What is my purpose? What is out there for me? What is meant for me?
Is This What Embracing The Journey Is About?
If you ask me, I don’t think this is what embracing the journey is about. I feel like I am in a battle with myself. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I am experiencing so much confusion, uncertainty, and doubt. I feel like I am struggling with accepting what I am going through. I feel torn between feeling grateful and satisfied for what I have and possibly wanting something different for my life. Sometimes I think I could be experiencing depression. I feel like I’ve lost some interest and passion for the things I once used to be passionate about. As I write this, my eyes are getting watery. I am thinking about the girl I used to be. I used to be filled with so much ambition, drive, passion, and life and I felt like I lost some of those things. Sometimes, I feel like packing my shit and moving to another country.
Deep down I know how I can make this better. I know I have to meditate and journal more. I have to find more ways to take care of my mental health because I know overthinking is not helpful for me. I know I should allow myself to have fun and come from a curious place with all the ideas I have for my life. I need to stop taking everything so seriously and let loose. Create for the sake of creating not because it has to mean something bigger. I know that any decision I make doesn’t have to be the end all be all and that I can change at any time. I need to ground myself in the present moment and remember that I can’t control what will happen in the future. I can only take in the present moment and come up with goals and plans that align with what I truly want. I also have to learn how to listen to my intuition and allow God/The Universe to guide me along the way.
I know all the things I gotta do but truthfully I haven’t chosen to embrace and surrender in this part of my journey. I wish I could sit here and end this blog post with listing all the ways that I am going to embrace it all but I would be lying to you and most importantly myself. As of right now, I don’t know where the journey will take me and I don’t know what my next steps are and if I am even going to do what I gotta do. This is where I am at in life. I am confused, uncertain, doubtful, and struggling to embrace the journey.
If you got up until this point, thank you for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. As always, I am open to hearing from you. If you have anything to share, I’ll be so happy to read your comments or messages.
With Love,
Anina