If you have been following my journey then by now you should know how much I struggle with anxiety but if you are new here let me just say this…
I struggle with anxiety so much. My anxiety shows up in different ways. I have been diagnosed with mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and I’ve been told I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I overthink and become irritable. I struggle with intrusive/unwanted thoughts. I judge myself for having these thoughts. I start to feel and believe something is fundamentally wrong with me. I start to believe my thoughts represent who I am. Sometimes, I think about things that don’t matter and I fixate on them and I allow that to define who I am.
I never saw myself as someone who struggled with self-worth until recently I realized that I was allowing anxiety to determine my self-worth and value. The belief that something was wrong with me because of my thoughts (which result from anxiety) led me to feel so fucked up inside. It made me feel flawed in so many ways. I am not talking about self-worth in connection to how others value me but how I value myself. Yes, there are times when I can recognize my own beauty and strength but when my anxiety kicks in, all of that goes out the window. When I am anxious and caught in my thoughts, I sink deep and I get lost. There have been times I thought that maybe I shouldn’t create and share things on social media. I would think to myself, “I shouldn’t be putting myself out there to try to help when I am so fucked up inside. How could I show up like this?” I think some part of me believed that I needed to work on myself first before I decided to share my insights with others. Additionally, my anxiety has led me to obsess about things that don’t matter like social media and other stuff leading me to judge myself.
The term “self-worth” was a concept that seemed odd to me and I never understood why others struggled to see their own worth or value. The reason the concept seemed odd to me was because I’ve always been on a self-love journey. I learned to love my imperfections. I removed myself from toxic friendships and workplaces because I knew I deserved better. I gave up certain things that weren’t serving me in order to live a better life. I think on some level I thought that I had the “self-love/worth” thing figured out. But it turns out that I am still learning and my eyes have opened. While yes I’ve learned to love my imperfections, I was not aware that I was allowing anxiety to determine my worth. I wasn’t aware that anxiety led me to believe something was wrong with me. I wasn’t aware that anxiety was causing me to view myself in a negative way. There is a difference between loving your imperfections vs. how you are allowing these imperfections to define your worth or value.
I think I finally understand the following, “you are worthy and valuable regardless of your imperfections.” I think I can now see myself as a worthy and valuable soul regardless of my challenges. I can sense that I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and not letting them define who I am. I can sense that I am learning to not identify with my thoughts so much. It isn’t perfect but I am proud I am having these realizations on my journey. I think one of the most important things I want to emphasize is how I am learning to see my own worth and value in relation to myself and not to things or other people. I am recognizing that there isn’t anything wrong with me. My anxiety doesn’t determine my worthiness, value, and inner beauty. I hope that makes sense. I wish I could put it in some other ways to explain myself but I can feel a shift that is happening. A shift that is helping me develop a better, more loving relationship with myself.
Have you struggled with something similar? Was there a time that you allowed your challenges to define who you are? How were you able to overcome this and recognize your worthiness/value?
As always, I am open to hearing from you. If you have anything to share, I’ll be so happy to read & respond to your comments, messages, and/or questions. Feel free to leave your comments down below or on social media!
Thank you for reading!
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