When I thought of writing on the topic of seeking validation, I thought to myself, “maybe I shouldn’t write about this because I still don’t have it figured out.” To be honest with you, I really don’t have this figured out and I still find myself seeking validation. But, I will say that I’ve come a long way in understanding where my need for validation comes from and how I manage my thoughts and feelings around it.
Before I get into what I learned on this topic and what has helped me, I think it’s important to share where my need for validation stems from and how it has shown up in my life.
Where My Need For Validation Comes From
As a child and teenager, I barely got love and support from my family as I wanted and needed. I was targeted, put down, criticized and doubted by family members (siblings, aunts, uncles, and even close friends of family). As I entered adulthood, I also experienced a lot of these things. I felt like I was barely ever seen, recognized, or celebrated for my accomplishments by my family members except by my amazing mother who is also my best friend. What’s more is that I feel like my family gave me more problems than love. Being the baby of the family, I feel like what I needed was all the love and support I could get but didn’t really receive it.
Are you able to recognize the connection I’m about to make?
Since I didn’t receive the love and support I needed as a child and teenager, I tend to seek these things in places outside of myself.
How Seeking Validation Has Shown Up In My Life
I’ve sought out validation in different things but will only share a few here.
One of those things was in the jobs I’ve had. I remember how much I wanted to be acknowledged by co-workers and even by students I’ve worked with when I was a school counselor. I remember watching other co-workers be acknowledged or even celebrated for their work and feeling like I wanted the same. I also remember seeing students give notes and gifts to their counselors or teachers and me thinking I would like the same.
Side note: I am having a bit of a moment as I write this…am I really admitting this on the internet? Crazy but I feel that I have to be honest about this!
I will admit that when I didn’t get the acknowledgement that I would have liked, it did make me feel something inside. I would have thoughts somewhere in the lines of, “Maybe I am not special enough. Do my students like me? Do my students love me? Am I making a difference in their lives?” Eventually, I started to receive beautiful notes from co-workers and students and it meant the world to me. But, it was important for me to recognize that I was seeking validation this way in my jobs.
Another way I was seeking validation in my jobs was when I started to go to happy hours with co-workers just so I could “connect” with them. I think I wanted them to see me as a “cool person.” I thought that going out to drink with them would help me build “meaningful connections.” Honestly, I don’t know if this falls under me seeking validation but I feel like it does a little bit (maybe more like approval seeking behavior).
I remember one time I was out drinking with my co-workers and one of them said to me, “I don’t know if I like you.” At this point, most of us were very much under the influence of alcohol. I could remember my heart beginning to sink and I was so confused. I will admit that it did bother me a bit that this person was pretty much telling me they did not like me. As you can see, I was seeking validation and/or approval from my co-workers.
Social media is another place where I’ve sought out validation. This has been a big one for me especially since 2020 when I started blogging and creating social media content. I cannot tell you how much this affected my mental health.
Back in 2020, I felt like I was seeking validation through the likes, comments, # of followers, etc., and also found myself seeking validation from certain people. I felt like I wanted to be seen so bad. I could not believe I was seeking validation on social media. I also used to wonder if people truly liked me or what I was sharing online. I had people tell me they loved me and I would question if they really did. This was probably the hardest thing I experienced because I was so aware of it and it bothered me so much that I felt this way. I judged myself way too much for seeking validation on social media.
What I Learned From Seeking Validation
I used to think something was wrong with me for needing validation but I’ve learned that it is normal to seek validation. We are human beings who need love, support, and connection to thrive (which includes validation). There is nothing wrong with seeking validation as long as we learn how to validate ourselves and seek it from healthy friendships and relationships. Seeking validation in other things, people, or social media should not be your go to or your only source to feel validated, liked, and/or loved.
It was silly of me to think I needed to drink with co-workers to make meaningful connections with them. When I was experiencing what I shared above about drinking with my co-workers, I felt like I always knew that it was wrong. However, now that I am older and sober, I know I don’t ever need to do things out of alignment with who I am to seek validation or approval from others. Most importantly, I know there are professional ways to build meaningful connections with co-workers that don’t involve drinking alcohol.
Additionally, social media is a dangerous place to seek validation. This is true for many reasons. For one, you could never be sure how much engagement your post will get. I’ve heard a great analogy that posting on social media is literally like going to a casino and putting money into a slot machine…you might win or you might lose. Some posts might get so many likes and comments and on others you may not. Since you could never be so sure how your posts will “perform” we shouldn’t put weight on the likes, comments, and reshares to validate your content and/or determine your worth.
What Has Helped Me
Self-reflection has helped me so much in understanding where my need for validation comes from. Once I made the connection between what I did not receive as a child/teenager and how it has affected me as an adult has helped me to be more understanding of myself and build more self-awareness.
Acknowledging my inner child has also made a difference. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve caught myself wanting to be seen and validated. Every time this happens, I tell my inner child, “I see you!” This in itself makes me cry sometimes because I am giving my inner child what she didn’t get which is being seen, validated, and loved.
As for social media, I am definitely in a better place. I try to ground myself in why I want to create and share online. I do it to honor my desire for self-expression and if it helps or inspires someone that is just a plus. These days I am not fixated on the metrics as much as I was before. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t come up for me because it does but I just know how to cope with my need for validation by practicing self-reflection, acknowledging my inner child, and reminding myself why I create and share.
If you struggle with seeking validation, I would love to share some tips to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings:
- Build self-awareness and self-reflect – Catch yourself when you are seeking validation and reflect why it may be coming up from you. Think about when in your childhood or any time in your past you did not receive what you needed and draw connections. Journal what comes up for you.
- Validate and love your inner child – When you catch yourself seeking validation, acknowledge your inner child and talk to it. Some things you can say are, “I see you. I love you. You are heard. You are loved. I am here for you.” Maybe you can tell your inner child what you always needed to hear when you were younger.
- Remind yourself it’s normal to seek validation – It’s important to remember we are human beings that need love, support, and connection. However, we need to find a healthy balance between validating ourselves and seeking validation from our healthy friendships/relationships.
- Become mindful of how you use social media – Think about your intention behind utilizing social media. Is it to create and share? Is it to express yourself? Is it to scroll when you want down time? Maybe it’s a mixture of creating, sharing and consuming? Before posting something, ask yourself the following questions: Why do I want to share this? How will I feel if it does not receive “enough” engagement? Am I seeking validation or approval? Have I validated myself in the message/content I want to share? Do I have to post this now? Is this something I would prefer to keep to myself because it’s intimate, special, or private?
Final Thoughts
“Seeking validation, approval, and reassurance is like seeking a high from a drug. You could find it but since it’s only temporary…you will always be left empty.” – Unknown
I found the above quote from a previous blog post from another blog that I had. I can’t remember if I wrote this quote or if someone else did, which is why I wrote “unknown.” I believe the quote is self-explanatory which is why I won’t share what I think but wanted to leave it here so you can reflect on what it means for you.
P.S – If you are struggling with seeking validation, I know how hard it is to want to be seen, recognized, celebrated and feel like you are not getting it. I am sending you so much love and strength. Remember everything you are looking for can be found within yourself and in healthy friendships/relationships.
Have you or do you struggle with seeking validation? What is that like for you? What have you learned? How do you cope with your need for validation? Any big takeaways from this blog post?
Thank you for reading and being here <3
Resources:
4 Reasons We Crave External Validation and 3 Ways to Feel Truly Seen, Heard, and Understood – On Purpose Podcast w/ Jay Shetty
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