1 Year Since Being Diagnosed With OCD

I want to preface this blog post by saying that this is my personal experience with OCD. I highly recommend that you speak with a mental health professional to seek help or a diagnosis for your own mental health concerns.  

One year has passed since I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). What I experienced about a year ago was very challenging and it was also a significant time in my life which is why I felt like sharing an update on my journey and things I have learned along the way. 

Before I get into what I have experienced this past year, I would like to share the episode I had that led me to speak with a therapist and eventually getting a diagnosis: 

After I turned 30 and made it to 1 year sober back in September 2021, I started to experience intense symptoms of OCD. Without getting into details, I had an obsessive thought that would not go away and since it would not go away, I started to have irrational fears. I thought I would stay stuck. I felt like I lost my mind. I would look at pictures and videos of myself and I felt like I was looking at someone else. I felt like I lost a sense of my identity. It felt like I was sinking into a deep darkness. I was scared. I cried and prayed. This was my first OCD episode. It’s an experience that has affected and impacted me in ways I could never imagine. 

Although I was able to identify that it was OCD through my own research, I knew that I had to speak with a professional to confirm it and get treatment. Once I was diagnosed with mild OCD, I found so much relief. It felt liberating.  

When I started treatment and began to learn more about OCD, I realized how it was present throughout my life. In my 20s, I experienced intrusive thoughts that were horrible. These intrusive thoughts would pop up and I would feel like a messed up person. Since they would not go away, I felt like something was wrong with me. Additionally, in my late 20s, I started to check the stove and my apartment door lock a few times before leaving. I even remember telling a friend I think it’s OCD but never gave it much thought since it wasn’t really affecting me. It was when I got the diagnosis when all of it made sense. 

So what has happened and what have I learned within this past year since being diagnosed with OCD? 

Alcohol & Mental Health

I find it interesting that once I reached one year of sobriety, I started to experience intense symptoms of OCD. I learned that when we become sober we tend to discover new things about ourselves including things that may have been pushed down or numbed with alcohol. I believe alcohol was suppressing my OCD. Once I became sober, it came to the surface more and manifested differently. Although this was a challenging experience, I am grateful that I was able to learn what was happening with my mental health and then eventually dealing with it in a healthy way in order to heal. 

What I Thought OCD Was…

I used to think OCD was a disorder that only showed up behaviorally such as checking the door, stove, switching lights on and off, and washing your hands repeatedly, etc. But now I know how it also shows up in the mind with repetitive, unwanted, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts. 

The Doubting Disorder

When I first got the diagnosis I found great relief but then started to question if it was OCD. I started to doubt that I had OCD and that something was truly wrong with me. But soon learned that this was OCD trying to latch onto another obsession to make me go in circles. OCD was once known as the “doubting disorder,” which makes sense as to why I was questioning and doubting my diagnosis. 

OCD Attacks The Things We Love & Value The Most

As I continued to learn more about OCD, I also learned that OCD attacks the things we love and value the most. In the past, I would have intrusive thoughts about things and people I love and value. I would cry thinking I was a horrible person. I would try to think of something more positive to get the thoughts to go away. I would tell myself I would never do such thing or I would do the opposite of what I was thinking to prove to myself that I am not a fucked up person. At one point I was allowing these experiences to determine my self-worth and value. I used to think that maybe I shouldn’t share my story or blog online because I was messed up inside. I used to think that I needed to be healed and liberated from these horrible things in order to share my journey.

Remember the episode I shared with you in the beginning of this post? The obsessive thought I was having was about a thing that had a positive tremendous impact in my life. Again, I am not sure if this makes sense because I am not sharing details but once I learned that OCD attacks the things you love or value it all made sense. It attacked the thing that made a positive impact in my life. This thing was something I was starting to value so much and OCD turned my positive experience into a negative one. How can OCD attack something that has helped you? I know that sounds weird but it happened and it sucked. 

How Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy Helped

In therapy, I was able to learn different techniques to deal with my obsessive and/or intrusive thoughts & behaviors through a treatment called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). To me what this meant was exposing myself to the thing that my mind was obsessing about or doing the opposite of what I would repetitively do. For example, if I checked the door lock before leaving 3 times, through treatment I would practice checking the door twice, then once, and eventually not having to check at all. Another example of this is how I had to expose myself to the thing my mind was obsessing about in the episode I shared above. I wish I could share the details so it can make sense but I am not ready to share exactly what my mind was obsessing about. However, it did make me cry and feel anxious because every time I exposed myself to the thing it reminded me of the dark place I went into previously. Through intentionally exposing myself to thing I was obsessing about, it taught my brain that I was safe. It also taught me how to sit in the discomfort of my thoughts and feelings which eventually led the intense symptoms to decrease. Thankfully, I was able to recover and be around the thing my mind was obsessing about because of ERP therapy. 

Till this day I still experience obsessive and/or intrusive thoughts but through ERP therapy I  learned how important it is to not entertain my thoughts. I used to allow my thoughts to define who I am but now that I know it’s OCD I move along and try not to engage with my obsessive and/or intrusive thoughts or urges (never perfect but this approach has helped). When I catch myself having intrusive thoughts, I learned to not fight the thought but to just recognize it and accept it. Accepting it does not mean I am allowing it to define who I am or that it means I am a messed up person. I just learned that the more I fight my intrusive or obsessive thoughts, the more it appears. I’ve noticed that through accepting my thoughts the less they would appear or the less intense it would feel. 

OCD & My Identity

OCD also made me question and doubt who I am and my desires. I’ve gone down spirals trying to find proof or evidence of things to validate and/or trust who I am and my desires/interests. Today, I am learning to trust and lean more into my desires and who I am becoming regardless of my doubts. 

OCD & Certainty

I’ve learned that people with OCD seek certainty and I’ve been there (still find myself seeking 100% certainty at times). If OCD has taught me anything, it has taught me (and still is) how to sit in the uncertainty. I will never know for sure. I will never be 100% certain about anything. There is no way to really know. Knowing this is helping me to embrace the uncertainty and the unknown a little bit more not only in my mental health journey but in my personal growth journey as I explore my dreams and desires. While experiencing OCD has not been easy at all, I am grateful for the little lessons I’ve been able to learn along this journey. 

Final Reflections

I believe one of things that has helped me overcome this challenge is believing that I will be okay. I am tearing up as I write this. But, I remember praying and writing in my journal that I will be okay and that I will be healed and liberated. I believed and trusted God/The Universe would help. I believe it was faith, trust, or whatever it is that you call it that helped me find answers, guidance, and wisdom. So if you are going through something extremely hard, I hope you can find or build up the trust that you will be okay. 

I know this was a super long post but I really wanted to share this as a way to express myself and hey if it has helped you or will help someone then that is a plus! 

Finally, please don’t forget that OCD is not an adjective! I’ve come to realize there are many misconceptions around what OCD is. Some think it’s just being highly clean & organized. Some say  “I’m a little OCD,” which is wrong because OCD is not an adjective. OCD is an anxiety disorder that affects people on so many levels to the point that it could feel debilitating. 

I share my story with hopes to spread awareness around OCD and mental health. I also share my story with the hopes to help someone out there suffering. Please don’t suffer in silence. Seek help. Your life is worth fighting for!

I am open to comments and messages! Please feel free to reach out if anything resonated or if you have questions! I’d be happy to chat! 

Resources

Here are the two resources that have helped the most in my journey: 

NOCD – This is where I was able to find a therapist who specializes in treating OCD. NOCD also has an app where you can find support groups. 

Alegra Kastens – A therapist I found on Instagram (@obsessivelyeverafter) who specializes in treating OCD and other disorders. I also got my “OCD is not an adjective” sweater from her website. 

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