I watched a video of a guy named Clark Kegley sharing his experience on quitting alcohol for 365 days and the shadow work that came up for him. Based on what he shared, I think alcohol gave me a false sense of positivity and strength when I experienced challenges in my life. Before I get into how this has shown up and what it means for me, let me share some key takeaways Clark made in his video:
- When you quit drinking, you can’t run from yourself.
- Sometimes the things you thought you dealt with come up when you are sober.
- When you strip away alcohol, you are left to face the negative version side of yourself.
- It’s easy to feel positive and think your problems just go away when you are drinking.
- It’s hard to truly heal when you are drinking all the time.
It hit home for me when Clark said that in the past he would just drink, feel positive and it would feel as if his problems would just go away. It clicked for me that of course it is easy to feel positive and as if you are getting over your problems when you are drinking because alcohol numbs all the pain.
The Illusion Alcohol Gave Me
In my 20s, I considered myself to be a positive, resilient, and strong person. I had a growth mindset where I saw my challenges as an opportunity for me to learn and grow.
I have worked through a lot of my challenges by engaging in self-reflection, journaling, reading self help-books, listening to podcasts, seeking guidance from people I trust, and therapy. I really felt like I overcame the difficulties I encountered. But, what I did not realize is that since I drank so much in my 20’s, alcohol probably made it “easier” for me to feel positive and strong. Alcohol gave me the illusion that I was on top of the world while drinking. I drank to intensify my feelings of “happiness” and the good things I felt about myself.
One way this has shown up in my life was in my early 20s when I experienced my first heartbreak. I was so hurt and heartbroken when an ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I remember crying so much. But what I also remember was deciding to “reinvent” myself by cutting my hair and becoming this girl who loves to party and drink. This was my way of “moving on” and letting go of my ex.
In the above pictures you can see that I look “happy” as alcohol gave me the illusion that I was moving on and living my life to the fullest. But, deep down I was hurting and feeling the emotional pain in my chest from the heartbreak. Additionally, I think because I drank so much, it took me longer to heal from this heartbreak.
Struggling To Find The Strength I Once Had
Since giving up alcohol, I’ve come to the realization that I was probably unconsciously numbing all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings my challenges came with which never gave me the chance to heal properly.
Another way this has shown up in my life is when I began to experience intense symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) when I made it one year of sobriety back in 2021. When I was diagnosed with OCD and learned more about it, I could see how it was present in my 20s. I think since I was drinking, I was unintentionally suppressing my OCD and once I got sober, it manifested differently.
I was able to feel better since 2021 but noticed that between then and now I could see how my OCD was popping up but managed to work through it. Until recently in March, my OCD really flared up in a way that led me to feel like I was in a dark place mentally (you can read more about this OCD flare up here).
This has been by far one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in my mental health journey. My mind went to dark places such as thinking of not being here anymore. Internally, I was spiraling and cried so much.
When I tell you that I was in a low place mentally back in March, I really was going through it. Here is a little poem I wrote to give you a glimpse of what it felt like for me being in this dark place in my life:
I was once resilient
Every obstacle that came my way I overcame
In every challenge, I saw an opportunity
In every difficulty, I gained strength
These days, I don’t know if I can do the same
I could see how what I am experiencing can help me grow but my thoughts clouds it all
It’s been hard to tap into the strength I once had
I was once resilient
But at times, I don’t know if I could pull myself up out of this
I found it so hard to find the strength I thought I once had. For the first time I couldn’t find meaning in what I was going through. Usually in the past I’ve always been able to find the meaning or hidden lesson in my challenges but this time around I felt like I couldn’t.
So when I saw the video I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, it all made sense. I was able to finally see how alcohol gave me a false sense of positivity and strength. It wasn’t easy to use a “positive attitude” when I was struggling so much with my OCD. I couldn’t just tap into my inner strength. I had to go through the darkness of my thoughts and feelings. There was no way out but through it. I had nothing like alcohol to numb or suppress the discomfort.
Discovering True Healing & Real Strength While Sober
I am learning that I am now properly healing and dealing with the things I couldn’t when I was drinking. I can’t run from myself. I have to face the parts of myself that I don’t really approve of. Using positivity doesn’t always work as sometimes you really need to feel your experience for it to pass.
When you give up alcohol, it forces you to really look at the parts of yourself you may have avoided for so long or didn’t even know were there. When you are sober, you have no choice but to experience the fullness of your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. There is no escaping your reality. When you are sober, alcohol is no longer there to give you a “sense of relief.”
In the past it was easy to feel like I overcame a lot when I was constantly drinking. It was easy to feel like I was on top of the world when alcohol was giving me an overload of dopamine but not realizing the negative effects it would have on my mental health. Of course, I can recognize and give myself credit for overcoming a lot of difficulties and accomplishing so much but I never took the time to heal properly. The issue was that I was able to intellectualize my problems, issues, and challenges in my life but never knew how to allow myself to feel my feelings.
Now that I am a little over 2 years and a half sober, it’s like a “can of worms” being opened. Yes, it’s been messy but now out of that “can” I am placing fresh soil and seeds for flowers and plants to grow.
It was hard to find my inner strength back in March but I am grateful I am able to tap into a new, real, and stronger form of strength. A strength that is based in allowing me to fully experience my thoughts and feelings. It is through this way I am now able to heal in healthy ways and to keep pushing forward in my journey.
And the most beautiful part about this is that coming out of the darkness while sober feels better than the false sense of positivity and strength alcohol gave me.
Thank you for reading <3
If you got up till this point, do you have any questions? Can you relate? What’s your relationship with alcohol like? What does healing look like to you?
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