I want to preface this blog post by saying that this is my personal experience with anxiety. I highly recommend that you speak with a mental health professional to seek help or a diagnosis for your own mental health concerns.
In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I’d write about my journey living with anxiety. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life.
As a child and teenager, I have experienced mental, physical, and sexual abuse. I come from a dysfunctional family. I’ve been put down, targeted, and doubted by family members. I grew up in a toxic home environment.
Through therapy and self-reflection, I’ve come to understand that my anxiety comes from the trauma I experienced when I was a child and teenager. In addition to having anxiety issues, when I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with depression and I had insomnia. In my early 20’s, I had a therapist tell me I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) which is a diagnosis I didn’t really take on until recently. I also struggle with social anxiety. Then, at 30 years old (which was back in Fall 2021), I was diagnosed with mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
In my journey living with anxiety, overthinking and irritability are the main symptoms I experience the most along with social anxiety.
Overthinking
When it comes to overthinking, I can overthink a lot. At times, my overthinking has overwhelmed me so much that I’ve cried. I used to judge myself for overthinking. I also used to wish that I never experienced my trauma because I felt that it was the reason why I struggled with overthinking. I believed that if I had not experienced my trauma that I would not have a overthinking problem.
My overthinking has led me to fixate on things that matter and don’t matter. I could overthink the little things and the big things in my life. At times, my overthinking makes it a bit hard to fall asleep. I used to think that I am too sensitive or crazy because of my overthinking.
Through therapy and reading, I’ve learned that my overthinking is due to my GAD. On the other hand, the unwanted obsessive thoughts I’ve experienced come from my OCD.
Irritability
Where do I start with my irritability? I could get really snappy when I’m irritable. This is something I used to judge myself for too. At one point in my journey, I did not know that my irritability came from anxiety which is why I judged myself because I thought I was just being b*tchy or that I seriously did not know how to control my temper. I judged myself more because I used to become irritable and snappy with my mom. My mom never received it well and I felt so bad. I am getting emotional as I write this. My eyes are getting watery. I always knew I had to get better at expressing myself because she did not deserve how I would react. Thankfully, I know now that my irritability comes from my anxiety and have gotten better at controlling it and expressing myself in more healthy ways (it’s never perfect but I try).
The other person who has seen me irritable is a friend who I live with. I would come home from work and just feel annoyed by the littlest things. I would argue with him. As I reflected on this, it could have been that since I am not happy with my job, I would come home and take it out on him. On other days, I just would feel anxious for no reason I could identify at times and snap at him. While the past few weeks I’ve been able to manage my feelings better, I don’t really like it when I am irritable with him because he doesn’t deserve it.
Only those who are really close to me have seen the side of me when I become irritable.
As mentioned before, I really don’t like when I become irritable. This is something I am trying to control more these days and at the same time be self-compassionate with myself.
Social Anxiety
I became more aware of my social anxiety during my first year as a school counselor. I would get nervous talking in meetings. I would get nervous asking questions or asking for help. I would feel anxious just having one to one interactions. I would feel like I wasn’t communicating properly. My social anxiety took me as far as thinking I needed to drink to be more social or be more of who I am. I am not sure why but I could remember one time hanging out with some co-workers at a bar and not saying a word but once I drank I would open up. I couldn’t wait to drink to be myself around others. I remember one of my co-workers pointed out how quiet I was. This is a nightmare for someone with social anxiety. For someone to point out your quietness. My heart sank.
These days I am glad to say that my social anxiety is not as intense as before and I think it’s because I do not drink anymore but I will say that I could become very self-conscious. My social anxiety is not gone although I don’t know if that could be possible, I certainly still experience it in my personal life and professional life just not at the level it was before.
The Biggest Challenge I’ve Experienced With My Mental Health
One of the biggest challenges I experienced with my mental health as it relates to anxiety is experiencing intense symptoms of OCD.
After I turned 30 and made it to 1 year sober back in September 2021, I started to experience intense symptoms of OCD. Without getting into details, here is what I went through…
I had an obsessive thought that would not go away. Since it would not go away, I started to have irrational fears. I thought I would stay stuck. I felt like I lost my mind. I would look at pictures and videos of myself and I felt like I was looking at someone else. I felt like I lost a sense of my identity. I was scared. I cried and prayed. This was my first episode. It’s an episode that has affected me and impacted me in ways I could never imagine.
Through doing research, I had realized it was OCD. But, I spoke with a therapist to get professional guidance and it was confirmed. I had OCD. I felt immediate relief but as a couple of weeks passed, I started to experience the symptoms again. This is something I feared would happen and it did. So I knew I had to get help. I am grateful that I’ve received treatment with a therapist who specializes in Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is proven to be effective in treating OCD.
Here is the thing, I’ve always had OCD symptoms since my early 20s and never knew that what I had experienced throughout my life was OCD. I believe alcohol was suppressing this issue I had and now that I became sober it came to the surface more and manifested differently.
After learning more about OCD, I’ve come to realize there are many misconceptions around it. Some say we are “a little OCD” and others think it’s just being highly clean and organized. Others use OCD as an adjective which is wrong. OCD is an anxiety disorder that affects people on so many levels to the point that it could feel debilitating. I used to think that OCD only showed up in repetitive behavior but it shows up in the mind too.
I share my story with hopes to spread awareness around OCD & mental health. I also share my story with the hopes to help someone out there suffering. Please don’t suffer in silence. Seek help. Your life is worth fighting for!
How I Cope
I practice self-compassion.
I go to therapy when I need to.
I share what I am going through with people I love and trust.
I journal.
I lean on my spirituality to pray.
I meditate.
I cry when I need to so I can let it all out.
Thank you for reading and being here! Truly!
If you feel comfortable, do you struggle with anxiety? How does it show up for you? How do you cope? And how have you been able to overcome it? Let me know in the comments below or on social media! I’d love to hear and process with you!
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