Toward the ending of February, I started to not feel well mentally. My mind was obsessively thinking about something that was making me worry and feel anxious. For the whole month of March until early April, I had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) flare up or in other words I experienced an intense episode of OCD.
The last time I experienced something similar was back in 2021 which was the first time I went through an intense OCD episode. Between then and now, I had times where I could feel my OCD wanting to creep in but somehow I managed to pull through. However, this time around it took over and I decided to go back to therapy.
The purpose of this blog post is to share what I experienced. I would like to note that I will not be sharing the content of my thoughts in detail but writing in more general ways to explain how OCD has shown up in my life, what I discovered, and learned.
What is OCD?
Before I go into what I experienced, I think it’s important for anyone reading this to understand what OCD is. In my own words, OCD is when someone has obsessive, unwanted, repetitive, and/or intrusive thoughts that cause them to engage in compulsions to relieve the discomfort that comes with these thoughts. It’s a cycle that can bring up a lot of anxiety, worries, and fears.
I highly recommend checking out the article below if you are interested in learning more:
How has OCD shown up in my life?
With OCD, there are different subtypes. What this means is that there are common obsessive, unwanted, repetitive, intrusive thoughts that fall into different categories. It is also important to know that someone may have OCD but the content of their thoughts may not fall in any subtype. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have OCD. OCD can latch onto anything.
Check out this article to learn more about some common OCD subtypes: A Quick Guide to Some Common OCD Subtypes
One of the subtypes I experience is checking OCD. As I am leaving my house I have to check the stove, outlets, my dog’s gate, and door lock about 2-3 times to make sure everything is good and secure.
There are other subtypes I experienced but don’t feel comfortable sharing openly here on the world wide web. But, I’ll share that I’ve had intrusive thoughts that made me feel so messed up inside and that something was truly wrong with me for having these thoughts. I am not sure how I managed to be okay while having these kinds of thoughts that at times made me cry and really question myself.
When I turned 30 years old and made it to one year of sobriety back in 2021, I experienced my first intense OCD episode in which I had a thought that didn’t necessarily fall under any of the subtypes but because it was obsessive and repetitive I felt so scared and stuck. I also started to feel like I was losing a sense of myself. You can read more about this experience I had here: 1 Year Since Being Diagnosed With OCD.
Within the past couple of years, I noticed how my OCD started to latch onto other parts of my life. I started to experience existential/philosophical OCD in which I would question if my desires were coming from ego or God. I believed that if my desires were coming from ego, I couldn’t pursue them because I was being selfish. I would do extensive research but never would be satisfied with the answers or information I got about my questions. My brain just kept looping around looking for certainty or the “right” answer. I felt like I couldn’t move forward with decisions I wanted to make unless I knew for sure I was doing it for the “right” reasons (I would like to mention that this seems like there is a bit of moral OCD here which I explain below).
Finally, in the past couple of months I started to experience relationship OCD and through an assessment my therapist did I realized that I’ve been experiencing moral OCD as well. With relationship OCD, someone may have doubts, unwanted, obsessive thoughts about their partners, friends, family members, and co-workers, etc. In moral OCD, someone may worry if they are a good or bad person. They may also want to make sure they are making the “right” decisions for the “right” reasons. People with moral OCD may question their intentions a lot which is something I go through.
I came across this article, Scrupulosity: When Religious or Moral Beliefs Become OCD, and I cried as I began to read the symptoms because I couldn’t believe I’d been experiencing moral OCD for a couple of years now and did not recognize it and how it was really preventing me to move forward. It all made sense why for the past couple of years I could not make certain decisions and why I’ve been questioning/doubting myself and my intentions.
My Compulsions
So now that I have shared a bit of the obsessive part of my OCD, there were many compulsions I was engaging in in order to relieve my discomfort. I think it’s important to mention that the kind of OCD I primarily experience is “Pure O” OCD which essentially means a lot of my obsessions and compulsions are happening internally in my mind. Here are the compulsions I was engaging in:
-Mentally reviewing past actions, thoughts, and/or memories
-Rumination
-Self-reassurance or seeking reassurance
-Rationalizing
-Problem solving
-Excessive googling/researching online for answers
Through Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, I am learning how to resist these compulsions because the more a person with OCD engages in compulsions the worse they feel. In ERP therapy, I am learning different strategies and techniques to deal with my obsessions and anxiety.
How My Mental Health Was Affected
As a result of this OCD flare up, I started to experience depression. I was crying a lot, I put a pause to some of the things I was working on, I didn’t want to go to dance classes and I actually didn’t go to one because I was struggling mentally. There was one time I was spending time with my mom and I wanted to cry but held myself back so I wouldn’t cry in front of her. I really didn’t want to do much like clean or cook which is something I usually do. I kind of just stood on my couch, went to therapy, ordered take out, and went to support groups. I didn’t do much besides the minimum of what I needed to do. For the most part, I really wasn’t coping in the best ways and I didn’t want to push myself to do more. I kind of just allowed myself to be where I was mentally and emotionally.
I really feel like I was in a low place. My mind went to dark places like not being here anymore. I would wake up and the obsessive thoughts would just start again. I began to worry that my mind will forever obsess about everything. It was hard to even watch t.v because my mind just kept ruminating. I felt like I was losing meaning. I found it so hard to find the strength I thought I once had. Internally, I was spiraling and feeling like this was it. This was the end of my journey and that I couldn’t pursue my dreams and goals because of the thoughts and feelings I was having. I felt like I was losing a sense of who I was again as this is something I experienced in my first OCD episode.
How Is Anina Doing Now?
Thankfully, in the beginning of April I started to feel better. Currently, as I am writing this I feel significantly better. This doesn’t mean I am not experiencing OCD symptoms because I am but my perspective and approach to my thoughts and feelings are changing. I’ve learned so much as a result of this OCD flare up such as self-acceptance, not allowing my thoughts to mean anything, all positive and negative thoughts/feelings are impermanent, and how to exist in the nuance of things. I would love to go deeper about the things I learned but will do that in future blog and social media posts…so stay tuned!
I wanted to share this post as a little update.
If you feel that you are struggling with something similar or anxiety in general, I just want you to know there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are having a human experience. It’s natural to experience all sorts of thoughts and feelings. You are not alone!
Check out these resources if you need some support and guidance:
OCD & Anxiety Online With Nathan Peterson
P.S – I have some exciting news to share soon so be sure to subscribe to my email list so you can be the first to know!
Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment below or on social media! <3
All positive and negative thoughts & feelings are impermanent so just embrace them all.
Anina Alvarez