I titled this post, “Not Thriving In My 30s” because I think sometimes for some of us, maybe particularly for us women, we expect ourselves to thrive in our 30s. If you google, “30 and thriving,” you will find so many quotes, merchandise, and blog posts on this. I get it though, some are definitely thriving in their 30s and that’s amazing! However, this hasn’t been the case for me and in this blog post I share why.
Today is my birthday and I just turned 32! 2 years ago when I made it to 30 and 1 year of sobriety, I thought I was going to be “leveling up my life.” In other words, I thought I would be thriving in my 30s but truthfully it doesn’t feel that way. Maybe it’s an exaggeration but I don’t feel like I am.
Back in 2021, I had so many ideas of what I wanted to pursue but all of that came crashing down when I began to experience symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
I was diagnosed with OCD in October 2020 after turning 30 and making it to 1 year of sobriety.
How crazy is that?
Since then my mental health has not been doing so well. While I’ve experienced growth and learned so many lessons within the past couple of years, when my OCD/anxiety shows up, it feels like it takes over. It almost feels like it defines everything.
My vision of my journey and life becomes so clouded by my OCD/anxiety. I start to feel like I can’t see anything past the discomfort and the negative thoughts. It kind of feels overpowering. I feel like I lose sight of who I am and the things I would like to do.
I really feel like I’ve been facing the darkest parts of my thoughts, feelings, and me in general.
Even though I know all thoughts and feelings come and go, when I am anxious, I feel stuck and I start to believe it will be like this forever.
It’s kind of scary and it sucks!
Then, my OCD flared up big time earlier this year in March. Depression came in too. For the first time in my life I had intrusive thoughts around suicide. I was really in the thick of it. I started to feel like there was no point in trying to pursue my goals or ideas because of how I was mentally struggling.
Thankfully, through therapy and support groups, I’ve been able to find some relief and moments of freedom. But, I still have moments when it’s super hard. I am learning how to manage my OCD/anxiety with the tools I’ve learned.
My blog and social media posts will never give you the full picture of the internal struggle and how much I’ve cried. Social media and the internet will never do that for anyone’s life. We are all battling something that most people cannot see.
While so many beautiful things came out during these past couple of years, I think these dark/negative experiences need to be acknowledged as they are and if that means that I don’t feel like I am thriving, then I am not, and that is okay.
I am not thriving but I am learning how to accept myself and the light and dark parts of me.
I am not thriving but I am learning how to observe my thoughts & feelings without attaching meaning to them.
I am not thriving but I am learning how to allow myself to experience fully what comes up for me.
Thank you for reading <3
Did you enjoy this post? Click here to subscribe so you’ll be the first to know when I publish a new post via email!
Questions? Comments? Leave a comment below or feel free to shoot me a DM on social media! Connect with me on Instagram, Tiktok, and/or Facebook