I want to preface this blog post by saying that this is my personal experience with OCD/anxiety. I highly recommend that you speak with a mental health professional to seek help or a diagnosis for your own mental health concerns. Additionally, I will not be sharing the context of the thoughts I had. I will be writing about my experience in a general way.
In honor of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) awareness week, I would like to share my first OCD episode.
I had made it to 1 year sober and turned 30 back in September of 2021. I felt amazing and had intentions of going after my dreams and ideas I had at the time. But, then I saw something on social media. It bothered me a bit. I began to overthink it. I knew it would pass because when something is bothering me and I am overthinking it, I usually get over it.
Time was passing and I still found myself overthinking this thing I saw on social media. I knew why it was bothering me but what I didn’t understand after a while was why I was still thinking about it.
I would wake up and I still had this thought.
Whatever I was doing, I still had this thought.
I would cry thinking why can’t this thought go away.
I hid & avoided things that reminded me of this thought.
I worried that whatever I would do in the future, this thought would be present.
At one point, I questioned if I needed to go into a mental health hospital.
But, why would I need to check myself in for a thought? How crazy is that?
I had the fear that this thought would never go away.
There was so much self-judgment.
I felt scared.
I felt like I was losing myself.
I would look at pictures and videos of myself and feel like I was looking at someone else.
I began to google what I was experiencing and would come across Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and OCD. After researching, I came across a post by Alegra Kastens, an OCD therapist, which said, “what if I obsess about this forever?” In this post, she explains how this is a fear of never being able to stop thinking about something. This is something that people with OCD experience. It resonated with me so much and it was here when I began to realize I probably was experiencing OCD.
Soon after, I came across another wonderful resource called “NOCD” which is an online platform that offers Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy specifically for people with OCD. Through NOCD, I was able to get a diagnosis and begin treatment. After about 6 sessions, I found great relief.
I am grateful to say that the fear I had of that particular thought never going away isn’t present. It’s been a few years since I first learned that I have OCD and ever since then my OCD has latched onto different things in my life causing me to spiral and experience depression. OCD tries to take its grip on me. However, I have new tools to navigate the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings I experience thanks to ERP and the amazing therapists I have worked with. Till this day, I am receiving ERP therapy (sometimes on and off) because I know I need it.
It’s been a journey of ups and downs filled with life lessons in between. Here are a few of those things I learned:
-All thoughts and feelings come and go (even the positive ones).
-The more you fight with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, the more you will experience them. Learning to observe and accept your thoughts and feelings can decrease resistance and anxiety over time.
-Don’t let your anxiety or OCD determine your self-worth. Your thoughts and feelings do not define you.
(Sweater: Alegra Kastens)
Thank you for reading <3
Resources:
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